|Pictured: 5 incomprehensible blobs and Optimus Prime|
Michael Bay insists that every other second in his films must contain an explosion, this actually works in The Rock but that is the only vaguely good movie he ever made, and that was 13 years ago. Whenever there's a closeup of Shia LeDouche and Megan Fox the camera twirls with a lens flare for about 2 minutes and absolutely nothing happens. Actually that seems to be a theme of this movie, Optimus dies but then magically comes back, Here's a threat go deal with it heroes! In a sense this is a 23 minute cartoon sketch stretched over 2 and a half hours, and before you go saying every superhero movies is like that, no they are not. In most of the movies you have some development of backstory or a new and interesting take on the character to make it more entertaining. Iron Man 2 may have been only 2 episodes or so but it was still fairly fresh and the action was always functional, in this there is nothing of the sort.
Every mech in this movie is a grey blob of machinery except for Optimus Prime, but even in the central action sequence where he fights off several decepticons at once it is very hard to tell which one he is unless he pulls out the stabby middle finger of doom. While I guess this could possibly look cool to a retarded kid it is fairly frustrating to be staring at a grey blob of machinery through a lens flare and shaky cam for an hour, except to assume that the good guys win with no casualties, which is precisely what happens. The US army makes their necessary cameo as in every Michael Bay movie, full of billowing American flags and continuous usage of obvious acronyms. The famous thing in the first movie was "oh we found out what worked on these mechs, HEAT rounds! use those!" HEAT of course stands for High Explosive Anti Tank, so HOLY SHIT I can't believe those work on large armored vehicle-like entities, stunning. The US army which magically teleports to Egypt for no apparent reason assists and loses very little, letting us wonder why we even have the Autobots in the first place, just send a bunch of tanks with Michael Bay's camera on them and the US is unstoppable.
The earliest part of the film is just a string of comic relief characters assembling for an hour and a half prior to the final battle wherein a giant mech digs a hole. Pretty much every one of these is terrible toilet humor and while it's funny to laugh at how bad the movie is I'd surely be in pain having watched it in a theater listening to all the retards laugh at it. I have no idea how you manage to bloat a 20 minute plot into 2.5 hours except to make it into utter shit like this film. At any rate this will continue to be my favorite thing to mock for another 6 months before the next one comes out to the horror of all. Is this film worse than Twilight? I'm fairly sure it is slightly, at least Twilight has a young naive audience as opposed to just an audience target full of morons. Morons, come one come all, see the incomprehensible explosions with explosions on the side plus explosions and explosions. Oh and objectified women too! Awesome.
Final Score: 0.5/10