Thursday, December 23, 2010

How to Stop the Patriots (Satire)

The Pats almost lost to the Rodgersless Packers somehow so clearly they are in fact mortal, however they still seem to be overwhelming favorites to win the Superbowl. Let's make one thing clear, Bill Belichick is at least a high ranked demon in hell's hierarchy, and perhaps even Lucifer himself. With that in mind I present 3 separate plans of action to stop the madness.
Plot 1: Assassinate Belichick
I'm sure there's around 2000 Snipers sitting around in Afghanistan shooting rocks and morons, but obviously since Belichick is quite possibly Osama Bin Laden as well why don't they come over here and finish the job. Do they not have God given talents for just such an occasion?
Well, it seems to me, sir, that God gave me a special gift, made me a fine instrument of warfare.  Well, what I mean by that, sir, is... if you was to put me and this here sniper rifle anywhere up to and including one mile of [Bill Belichick] with a clear line of sight, sir... pack your bags, fellas, war's over. Amen.
The Patriots would immediately crumble into nothingness as the demonic creation of Foxborough would instantly vaporize with the loss of Belichick. If it is not done he will continue to steal everyone's signals and possibly eat babies to satisfy his hunger. Every  human football coach is a moron, thus proving Belichick is obviously not human and thus subject to much brutality. Save us young Jacksons of the world!
Plot 2: Turn Tom Brady into a Paraplegic

This idea was first offered by the magnanimous Ryan Parker, in his song "Go Gillooly" amidst the ridiculous undefeated season of doom. It is speculated by pundits that the Patriots are even more likely to win this year because the league is so terrible. His wife makes considerably more money than he does, taking out his knees wouldn't be too harsh at all.  Obviously the Patriots are still pretty good since Lucifer would still be on the sidelines conjuring demonic forces to assist him. However, they weren't absurdly dominant with Matt Cassell just competent. As horrifying as allowing the Devil to persist in this realm is I'd say Brady is not too terrible as a second target.
Plot 3: Miracle
Clearly this is the most realistic option, but just sit around and pray for the next 2 months and maybe God will smite Belichick for us, or Tyree will be traded to whoever else winds up in the Superbowl to beat the evil Pats. Peyton Manning, subordinate of the Archangel Michael Tony Dungy seen here:
Could possibly appeal to his Lord and lead the hampered Colts to victory. Perhaps Polamalu could start flying with his very aerodynamic mane and intercept every pass, or Ray Lewis could call his friends to murder the entire Patriots team and get away with the No.1 defense of all time. Anything is possible! Miracle the Packers into the Superbowl where Rodgers will win it by human methods perhaps, somehow make the Bears not terrible, lead the 7-9 NFC West champions to the Superbowl and bestow upon them holy blessings to defeat the demon Belichick. Start Praying.

Aside: Alternative Tron Opinion somehow this guy talks to a camera for an hour+ about movies he hates and actually manages to be pretty funny, not quite as hit or miss as Bob (Transformers 2 review is great). It is spoiler heavy but it doesn't make a difference as the plot is very predictable and very stupid as already stipulated.

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