Thursday, February 3, 2011

Detroit Lions

Ah the most excellent Lions, kings of being terrible every year, the one true example of NFL parity. For several years when we drafted a WR in the top 5 due to naturally being amongst the 5 worst teams in the NFL since Barry Sanders quit, we'd always have a preseason prediction for success. However every one of those wide receivers failed except Roy Williams, and Joey Harrington failed as well, thus enabling us to get yet another top 5 pick under the illustrious Matt Millen. We finally failed to win a single game 2 seasons ago with a grand 0-16 season of spectacular terribleness. I believe this was the year when we played the Ravens very close and managed to fail to score despite 7 or 8 chances at the goal line due to Ravens penalties, but that stoic Ravens D had the finest goal line stand ever, twice. That particular game almost set a record for penalties on both sides, it was such a grand contest of failure.

So, you may ask, are you a Lions fan? In some sense as a Michiganian I am tied to the failures of our professional sports teams, while I have good reason for being a Packer fan since birth and I actually have Packer memorabilia I still have a stoic faith in the Lions' continuous inability to be a successful NFL franchise. With the Saints and Cardinals respective appearances I believe the Lions are the last "old" NFL team to never have reached the superbowl, and it is with piteous pride that I mention this. Our state, masters of unemployment and lack of success and symbol of the decay of the human spirit. Capitalism, we should all know, is infallible, therefore Michigan's failure is solely Michigan's fault.

To be born in Michigan is to be born a failure, but do not blame this on luck because if you were smarter, craftier, and more hard working you would undoubtedly be successful. You are a loser for being born, that is the pride of the Michigander. It is with great stoicism that I make the same joke every year amidst preseason football, 2 words of such grand evocation as to be worthy of only sages and fools. "Lions, Superbowl." This is their year man! Jim Schwartz has us turned around with a tremendous 6-10 season, we will most assuredly still hover below .500 for another century until Barry Sanders 2.0 shows up and retires early due to the losing atmosphere and loathsome horrors of the worst organization in football (TM).

For some reason Detroit is actually successful in Hockey and sort of (?) turning it around in Baseball by having the immensely talented Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander. Fortunately the Pistons have taken an astonishing turn downhill and look to be reaffirming the universal terribleness of Michigan Professional sports, joining the Lions in being the "Lucky Losers." The Chicago Cubs are the most legendary set of failures who get rewarded for their lack of performance with a high payroll and almost 100% attendance every year, but the Lions are not so lucky. Despite our pentient for lack of success (and our state as a whole mind you) it seems only people from Michigan are able to have a universal sort of pride in losing and failing. As we were born and socialized to be failures in a failing State, so too were we born to admire professional failures like Jennifer Granholm, Joe Dumars, and Matt Millen.